Where did that loner go?

I've never really been all that reliant on friends. I used to be more of a loner as a child and would play by myself for hours either creating/building something or dreaming up an imaginary world of my own. I wasn't worried about spending time with people unless they came calling after dinner. "Can Jason come out and play?" was something I would hear from the front foyer when my mom answered the sing song tune of the doorbell. They came to find me when they wanted to spend time with me. They must have known that I would be there and would always comply with whatever games they wanted to play.

When I did gain enough confidence to do the same, most of the time I would strike out for whatever unforeseen factors were involved such as them having to do homework/chores or they were suddenly grounded for making a face at their parents. Thus began my bad romance with rejection which carries over to adulthood. Eventually the invitations lessened and I was back to being the loner. Some felt sorry for me, others dubbed me a snob. The truth is that I would have jumped at the opportunity to be part of a group of friends that hung out at a coffee shop, swapping stories and witty quips.

My experiences with friends when I was younger were never that satisfying in terms of what I saw on TV or in the movies. Friends would spend time with each other whenever and not have to schedule time together, calling on each other on the fly or dropping by workplaces or homes while helping themselves to whatever is in the fridge. Reality Bites! Even that movie had strong friendships between very different people with personalities that you wouldn't normally put together. I know this is not real life and that real life involves responsibilities, commitments, and differing schedules. How were all those characters available to hang out for a half hour each week while we judged, emulated, identified with, like, disliked, and ultimately wished we could all have as friends?

People say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. What about having had friends and then feeling like you've lost them because they don't stay in contact. I would rather have not known what it was like to have friends who I could rely on. Whenever a relationship ended, I have had to rebuild my friend base, for some reason I am not the one that people remember to call. I feel like I'm expected to extend the hand of friendship but just like when I was a kid, there is always an excuse for not having time for me. In turn they don't think of me. So I end up being alone. Back to creating and spending time in my own head. Embracing the loner with every blog post.