First kiss

It wasn't the stuff of movies but it was memorable. My third girl friend was named Tammy, don't worry we will be going back to number two later. Tammy was a girl that I bowled with in the YBC and she seemed like a nice girl who enjoyed the same things as me, including Madonna. In fact, we went to a Madonna concert together, which should have been a sign. She was a very straight forward girl, much like most of the girls I dated and/or married. She was not shy and would say or do whatever she wanted.

I realized quickly where this alpha female came from when I attended dinner at her house where she lived with her parents. Perhaps it was unexpected that she was bringing me to dinner but I found it a little odd and chaotic to be eating dinner with her parents and two siblings in a small kitchen table when the dining room was sitting empty. Also surprising to me was the menu consisting of ground hamburger fried up accompanied by powdered mashed potatoes. Either I was spoiled by my mother's cooking or her mother just wasn't the best cook.

Explaining the dinner was necessary because it gives you background on the quality of what was coming. Picture it, we were hanging out in my teenage bedroom with lakeside cottage wallpaper on the wall and surrounded by collectible plates, masks, nicknacks and scifi toys. This girl can tell that I am not going to make the first move further than hugging or holding hands and she goes for it. The second she pressed her lips to mine she inserts her tongue all the way in. I have blocked out the rest because it was very wet and slippery and not at all what I expected.

We didn't "go together" long, maybe three months and I don't even remember if we kissed anymore. Like I said earlier, we went to a Madonna concert together but it was after we had broken up. She even accused me of only dating her to get to see the concert, which didn't stop her from trying to hold my hand during the concert. That wouldn't be the last time that a woman tried to entice me back.

In conclusion, teenage first kisses are over rated but after years of practice and tons of accolades, I enjoy adult first kisses much more.

It burns

Grade 9 was such an eye-opener for me, as I'm sure it has been for my daughter this year. One of the things that surprised me were the kids that were older than me who somehow failed courses. Not only did they fail courses once, but twice or three times and I had a grade 12 student in my grade 9 art or religion class. How do you fail art or religion?!

My grade 9 religion class was held in one of the many portable classrooms my high school had and has now replaced with a super build. The teacher was a deacon or layman's pastor who was beyond socially awkward. It was rumoured that he actually fell out of the window of the portable classroom during a lecture and just kept talking while he brushed himself off and walked back in through the door. Being shy, I usually sat in a desk near the back to go unnoticed. Also trying to go unnoticed was the 6' tall grade 12 boy behind me who I tried to ignore.

During one class I started to feel a warmth on my hind quarters. I turned around to find out what the guy was up to and he played innocent. This kept happening until the class ended and I stayed in my seat as everyone left for their next class. Approaching the teacher and prefacing my request as strange I asked him to look at the back of my pants. Scorch marks. The guy behind me was using his lighter to basically burn me alive.

Luckily the pants were cords and not the polyester/wool dress pants required in later years or else I would have actually caught fire. Phone calls were made, pants were replaced and buddy was expelled. I often wonder what would have happened if he had succeeded in lighting me on fire. What I don't wonder is where he is today, jail sounds about right.

The barber missed a spot

I was fired from my first job as a teenager because I was serving up more than 2.5oz of ice cream per customer while leaving a hollow spot in the middle. My second job was pretty cool, a gourmet hot dog stand in the mall. A step up from the food court because we had fancy wieners. I really enjoyed working there and my honesty actually got a cash register skimmer fired. But this has nothing really to do with the fact that I did pay attention to one very specific trend from the 80's, a rat tail!

Yes, I wore a rat tail. I even grew it to 12 inches long. But back to working at the dog booth, one night I was working by myself and it was getting close to closing time. This older man came up to the counter and I could smell the alcohol on his breath from 4 feet away. He was having trouble deciding what to order, most likely due to the amount of booze he had consumed in the bar next door so I busied myself with closing up duties until he was ready to order. This included me turning my back on the customer, at which point I heard "What the f@*& is wrong with your hair?!"

"Excuse me?"

"Looks like the barber missed a spot at the back."

I turned his attention to the food order and he picked out his choice with optional toppings then met me at the end of the counter to pay. He stared at me strangely then sat on a bench nearby to eat. Paying no more attention to the drunk man, I went back to closing up shop until I heard a horrible retching sound coming from his direction. The fool had started choking on his damn hot dog and was throwing up in the garbage can. Karma.

He disappeared quickly after that. I learned something that night, have pizza after getting drunk. Oh, and don't be a dick or you'll choke on a wiener.

Getting pricked for the first time

I was a pretty 'straight laced' teenager. My mother still picked out my clothes for the first couple of years of high school when there was a dress code. I'm still pretty uninterested in being dressed in the latest fashions or trends. Who can keep up and besides, it all comes back around again. The 80's are back and that was when I was a teenager. One trend for boys back then was to get an earring.

It wasn't even something I contemplated but it was made a consideration when my sister wanted to get one extra piercing in one of her ears. Our frugal mother didn't want to pay for ear piercing and not get two ears pierced so she offered up one of my ears. Not many boys at school were pierced but somehow I felt brave enough to do walk the halls dawning a golden hoop in my left ear (not the 'gay' ear).

We went to the Bay in the mall and mom explained to the piercing lady that we were to each get one piercing, my sister and I. I went first, the cold metal gun cupping my earlobe, the loud click as the gun pushed the metal through and struck the backing, then the warm feeling creeping up my ear followed by a pulsating throbbing. Done. Next. Wait. My sister didn't have enough earlobe left before the cartilage began and their policy was no piercing cartilage. No deal. What?! I did this for nothing?!

They ended up just poking a crooked hole between the other two piercings already in my sister's earlobe. We got our two for one deal. I walked around worried that some bully would yank it from my ear, thanks to my mother's paranoia and horror stories. I'm not even sure if my sister still has that piercing but it wouldn't be my last one and I may yet get pricked again.